This year people have been achieving all sorts of things during lockdown. From learning a language to starting businesses and new creative outlets, it’s been wonderful to see the different ways in which each of us has approached these strange times. So, what’s my personal achievement? Well, other than trying to keep some semblance of a blog while my home life got turned upside down, I decided to set out to watch all 36 films in the Godzilla franchise, because, well… why not? At the time of writing I am currently 24 films in and absolutely obsessed with all things kaiju, and so when Monster Pub, a company who sell a range of toys based on the beloved character, reached out to me recently, I could hardly believe it! After all, I definitely did not expect to have any reason to mention my Godzilla marathon here at my sex toy review blog! So, with that strange twist of fate in mind, let us jump into my review of the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium!

The Brand

Monster Pub are a manufacturer and retailer based in China who have some of the most adorable vibrators you’ll ever see. Since 2015 they’ve been developing their award-winning designs, with an aim to create a more fun and imaginative experience for their customers in order to help destigmatise sex toys and reduce the shame commonly associated with them. With that in mind, they came up with three core personalities for their products, naughty, smart, and handsome, which they then designed the characters of Mister Devil, Doctor Whale, and Master Gokilla to represent, as well as a backstory for why these “monsters” came to earth. These characters are then applied to all of their core products, allowing you to choose the one you like best as easily as choosing a different colour option, so that each product has small visual differences depending on the character. While their flagship products are the U-Type dual-stimulation vibrators, they also have a small range of other innovative toys, such as their wearable clit vibe and accessorised wand massager. In addition they also offer a mobile app that is compatible with almost all of their products, as well as a Kegel training program for use with their Premium products. Finally, Monster Pub offers free shipping on all orders, as well as discreet packaging and a two year warranty.

Product Description

I was lucky enough to receive Monster Pub’s newest addition to their collection for review, the Monster Pub 2, which is an updated version of their award-winning U-Type dual stimulation vibrator. Using the Master Gokilla theme, my copy of this toy is the Premium version rather than the less expensive “Excited” edition, with the only difference between the two being that my version has a pressure sensor which allows for it to be used with an interactive Kegel exercise program. I don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of toy, with the closest match to it that I’ve tried being the Paloqueth Dolphin, but unlike that toy and similar designs the Monster Pub 2 is not intended to be used at the same time as PIV sex with a partner. This is primarily due to the large size of the internal element of this toy (1.3 inches / 3cm in diameter), although it would theoretically still work if you’re up for that sort of thing. With a curved shape so that the larger “body” of the toy may sit over your G-Spot whilst the “tail” rests over your clitoris, this toy is instead intended to provide hands-free dual-stimulation more akin to a panty vibe, and can be controlled either with its single button located at the very end of its external arm, or through the Monster Pub mobile app. The Master Gokilla elements are then the small bumps resembling Godzilla’s spines that are featured over the areas where the toy makes contact with your clitoris and G-Spot (with the intention being to add further stimulation), the small arm-like bumps at the front of the toy’s body, and the light green colour. There is also a Monster Pub logo on one side of the body, whilst on the other side is a small crown logo indicating that this is the Premium version. In addition to being fully waterproof, the Master Gokilla 2 is also USB rechargeable via the hole in the middle of its tail and features a heating function.

Packaging

My order for the Master Gokilla 2 Premium was placed with Monster Pub on the 29th of September and I received it on the 18th of October. The package was then completely discreet, with no mention of the sender or contents. The packaging for the toy itself was then super fun and honestly felt more like I was receiving a non-adult toy than a vibrator. Presented in a well designed and minimal white box featuring a large image of the Master Gokilla character (as well as a adorable X-ray version) and not much else, this box doesn’t actually specify anywhere that it contains a NSFW product and aside from a few vague hints you’d be quite unlikely to work it out without actually looking inside, which is great as it keeps it discreet. To open it you can then remove the plastic wrap and slide off the outer sleeve from the top, which reveals the toy sitting in a plastic dome alongside a storage area that reads “Loving You So Much!”. The plastic then easily pops up for easy access of the product, whilst the storage can be opened once the safety seal is broken to reveal three stickers featuring the Monster Pub characters, an instruction manual, a quick start guide, a storage bag and the charging cord. Overall I am really happy with all of this as it is beautifully presented and makes it feel like you’re getting something special while still maintaining that fun and playful feel.

Charging

Since the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium is USB rechargeable, charging it is easy. Simply plug one end into a USB port and then connect the other end with the hole in the toy. Charging should then take around 180 minutes, giving you an estimated 100 minutes of playtime when done, however I have had the toy die on me numerous times over the course of my testing despite charging it fully (once I saw it drop from a charge of 50% to a flat battery via the app within a matter of seconds), and so it seems the Master Gokilla 2 is sadly unable to hold its charge, which is a serious issue. When charging a small heart-shaped light will also activate in the centre of the toy’s body and slowly flash on and off to indicate charging, eventually staying lit when complete. This adorable feature, which Monster Pub call Love Beats, is a great spin on the regular charging light sex toys use and I absolutely love it. Plus, you can adjust the intensity of the light within the app, opting to go for a low-light mode if you wish.

Controls

Monster Pub intend for the Master Gokilla 2 to be controlled primarily with their app, but for people like me who prefer to go old school (and avoid receiving family group chat messages while masturbating) they have also included a single button on the toy. To turn it on first hold down the button for a few seconds until it vibrates once to indicate it’s in stand-by mode. You can then continue to click the button to cycle through the toy’s eight modes, two of which are steady speeds and six of which are patterns, and all of which involve the two motors doing the same thing. When you’re done you can then hold down the button again until the toy turns off. Overall this all works fine and I like the simplicity, but as usual I am adamant that clitoral vibrators need at least three steady speeds. Plus, this toy does something I don’t think I’ve ever experienced with a vibrator before, which is that when you press the button to change the vibrations the motors straight-up pause for a little over a second, which can be really frustrating when you’re in the middle of things and just want to increase the speed, only to have the toy essentially turn off for a moment.

The App

I’m about to start talking about the Monster Pub mobile app, but I just want to preface it by saying that this is one of the worst apps I’ve ever tried. Visually it is stunning, being filled to the brim with Monster Pub’s usual adorable designs and fun graphics. Plus, unlike most other apps I have reviewed, this one is almost entirely free from glitches and connectivity issues. In fact, connecting the toy is super easy, as all you need to do is have it on stand-by mode while the app is on and the two instantly pair to each other. But while it may initially appear a very comprehensive product, it quickly becomes apparent that this is an extremely limited tool, one that is riddled with problems and a big language barrier. Now, I work with international companies all the time, and so the awkward translations you can sometimes find on websites like Monster Pub’s barely phase me these days. But the use mobile apps, especially for a toy like this that is so orientated around it, are part of what you pay for, and so if the barrier is so bad that you effectively cannot use the product (as is the case with this) then that is not on. I don’t understand what most of the features in the app are simply because I can’t understand what’s written (even though it is in English), and the things I do understand can be incredibly uncomfortable (such as being asked if I want to be “molested” or told that I am “a brave girl and attractive enough” to use the app after completing an introductory quiz). The issues in this app are so great that I can’t list them all, but you can see a thread of a few problematic screenshots here, as well as a overview of the features and some of the more major problems below.

Downloading the Monster Pub app is easy and can be quickly found by simply searching “Monster Pub” in the app store. The image for it on my home screen is then of Mister Devil, which blends in well with game apps and is very discreet. Plus, if you are concerned about privacy then you can set up a password that will need to be inputted prior to opening the app, although rather a number code you’ll need to swipe in a particular way, which is different to what I am use to and I found it difficult to remember. Once inside you’ll need to make an account, as well as set a location (this is as specific as the city you live in) and choose either “boy” or “girl” for your gender, all of which makes me uncomfortable. You’ll then need to complete a Q&A that is specific to the gender you chose, and essentially just checks you won’t misuse the platform and sets up your privacy settings. After all of this you’ll see a short tutorial and then the app’s home page, which is the Vibe screen. Here you’ll be able to see how many users are currently online, advertisements for Monster Pub’s store, and popular vibration modes that other users have created and shared. You can also access the app’s main control methods, Gesture, Remote, and Action-Reaction, by clicking on the plus button at the bottom of the screen. Gesture allows you to control the toy by swiping your fingers across your phone or by applying the same eight vibration modes as what the manual control offers (to say I was disappointed by this is an understatement), Remote allows you to connect with a partner (more on this below), and Action-Reaction allows you to move your phone around and have the toy’s vibrations mimic it for motion control.

To allow someone over the internet to control your toy you’ll need to enter the Remote screen. Here you’ll be given a bunch of options for how you can send the request, such as over Facebook Messenger, but essentially all you need to do is supply your partner with a link. Then, unlike most other sex toy apps where you’ll both need to be using the app and connect that way, the person controlling the toy must instead do it through a web browser. To do this though they’ll first need to sign in, and the only options for this is either through their Facebook or Line accounts. This is absolutely not ideal, as both accounts are usually linked to personal information (with Line being similar to What’s App and being paired to your phone number), but they are the only options. Once connected you then both receive a similar screen, with the person on the web browser being able to swipe their fingers to control the toy (the same as on the Gesture page). As for the person with the toy, all they can do is click three icons that represent the Monster Pub characters, but other than raising the “score” that is displayed at the top of the screen this doesn’t seem to do anything. Then, while it does mention video and voice calls at the bottom of the screen, these don’t seem to be available and there are no other ways to communicate with each other here. Instead (and this is really weird) automated messages are displayed, which display a range of dirty talk that you’re either meant to think your partner is sending you or is designed to make up for the lack of communication abilities. Either way it’s super freaky, and neither me or my partner enjoyed the experience of using it.

In addition to the main Vibe screen there is the Health screen, which is where you can access the Kegel trainer if you have a Premium product. Here you can see how many other weekly users there are, how other people are doing in comparison to your own score, and activate the trainer. This runs very similar to a mindfulness app, where a soothing voice begins to play (this is in perfect English) and tells you to close your eyes and breath slowly, with the only difference being that they also instruct you to tighten and release your Kegel muscles. Now, this is the feature I was most excited about when I received this toy, as I have always wanted a way to electronically measure and train my Kegels. But unfortunately it seems I’ll have to keep wishing, because this function just straight up didn’t work. During most of my sessions with it I couldn’t get the toy to respond at all, and as much as I squeezed I couldn’t even get past a score of 0 (out of a possible X). Then other times I would turn it on and it would register around 20 when just sitting on a table, and upon being placed inside of me the score would then go down rather than up. It could just be me, but I’ve checked out a few other reviews since and it seems I’m not alone in having this experience. So considering the Kegel trainer is the only benefit to buying the more expensive Premium version this is a huge let down, and I really feel for anyone who paid the extra money just for this function and experienced the same thing as me.

Finally, there are a few other menus within the Monster Pub app worth mentioning. In the profile section you’re able to adjust your public information (it looks similar to a dating profile as you can upload multiple images and voice signatures) and privacy settings, as well as input your menstruation data into the app’s basic tracker. In the toy profile you can see which toy you have connected and its battery power, as well as adjust the Love Beats. Then lastly there is the chat mode, where you can send messages to partners who also have the app or receive “hit-on” messages if you have approved them. The chat system is fairly basic, simply giving you the ability to send and receive text and audio messages, as well as send photos.

Heating

In regards to the smart heating function this is a barely noticeable automatic feature that occurs whenever the toy is turned on, and it really feels more like the toy is just overheating from use than purposely heating. It is centred on the very top of the vibe’s head and doesn’t travel very far, so can be somewhat pleasant when first inserting it but is otherwise quickly lost. Still, it would likely be a great feature in winter.

First Impressions

I had no idea what to expect with the vibrations in the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium, but considering it only has two speeds and the presumed size of the clitoral motor I had some concerns. Sadly they seem to be correct, as this is easily one of the buzziest toys I have tried. Then, while the internal vibrations are somewhat powerful despite the buzziness, the smaller clitoral motor is unfortunately far worse and one of the weakest in my collection. This is particularly disappointing for me, as clitoral vibrations are way more important in my opinion than internal ones, and it seems I’m not alone after running a poll on Twitter where 85% of users agreed. To make matters worse this toy is also very loud, although once it is inside of you this is decreased, so I would recommend only ever turning it on during use if discretion is important to you. Still, it can be heard even then, and so this may not be the best option if you were planning on wearing it out of the house like a panty vibe.

My Experience

Despite the somewhat large size and unusual shape of the Master Gokilla 2 I am able to insert it easily without any prior warming up. The external arm then rests near my clitoris, and while this is not a perfect match it is close enough for the vibrations to take effect, however the internal arm sadly falls short of my G-Spot and is unable to stimulate it (this is likely a me problem rather than a Monster Pub problem though). One other immediately apparent downside is that the toy’s button is located directly over my clit, meaning whenever I press down on this to adjust the toy (and you need to be quite firm) it can be very uncomfortable. My advice would be to always put the toy in stand-by mode prior to placing it inside of you and then you can just avoid the issue completely by using the app after that. Although for me personally I have mostly just been putting up with it since the app doesn’t offer anything the toy can’t do by itself and there’s only two speeds I use anyway. On that note, two speeds is absolutely not enough on a vibrator, and this combined with the fact that they are so buzzy anyway has made using the Master Gokilla 2 an overall unpleasant experience for me. Typically when I use a toy that doesn’t have vibrations on par with what I am use to I can get by through moving it around to further stimulate myself. However since the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium is just supposed to sit still for that hands-free experience I can’t really do that. It’s because of this that the only way I’ve been able to achieve orgasm with this toy is by just kinda rubbing the entire thing against me, but even then I don’t think the toy or its vibrations makes much of an impact in this regard. Finally, in terms of wearing it while standing or sitting this works relatively well and is comfortable, and while the toy will eventually fall out when walking you should be alright as long as you are wearing very tight underwear and are able to occasionally adjust it.

Cleaning & Care

Cleaning the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium is easy since it is made from silicone. Just throw it in some warm soapy water when you’re done (it is supposed to be fully waterproof, but Monster Pub do state to not let it soak for very long), give it a wash, rinse, and then dry. You might also want to give the little bumps an extra clean with a spare toothbrush, as bacteria may hide there. You can then store it in the bag it came with or in a zip-lock bag. Additionally, make sure to not use silicone-based lubricant with this product, as it may react badly to the silicone it is made of, but if you do then first perform a spot test.

Final Thoughts

Let’s face it, this is a bad review. In my opinion there is really only two reasons (other than the Godzilla theme and cute aesthetic) that someone might want the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium, and that is to either use the app for the remote / long-distance play or to use the Kegel trainer. But the problem is that both of those things involve the Monster Pub app, and as it stands this service is essentially unusable. The partner play is creepy and difficult to connect, and the solo remote play offers nothing new or interesting. Then the Kegel trainer, which is literally the only reason one might pay the extra money for the Premium version, just straight up didn’t work for me and it seems I’m not alone in this regard. The good news is that Monster Pub can choose to fix these app issues without any further cost to you, and with a busy update log it seems they are doing just that. But even if we ignore the app for a moment, we’re still left with a weak and buzzy vibrator that only features two vibration speeds and can’t even hold its charge, among countless other issues. Considering all of this I simply can’t recommend the Monster Pub Master Gokilla 2 Premium, however I don’t think it’s necessarily time to write off Monster Pub completely. After all, I really do believe this product had potential, and if they can just apply the same care to their products as they do to their graphic design, then I think we’ll all really be in for a treat.

You can get the Master Gokilla 2 Premium directly from Monster Pub for just $232 AUD / $169 USD!

This post was sponsored by Monster Pub, but as always, all opinions are my own. 

Over the last few years I’ve become a massive fan of the work of H.P. Lovecraft and the Mythos he inspired. Growing up with little exposure to horror films or books (even the The Little Mermaid gave me nightmares as a child), his wide collection of short stories has served as the perfect gateway into this world for me, especially when you consider how much of it has formed the basis of the genre today. I often spend evenings reading over annotations of his work (yes, including analysis on the unpleasant racist overtones), have forked out way too much money on the Call of Cthulhu role-playing game (considering I have no one to play it with), and even though I still have a long way to go with catching up on horror as a film genre, I’ve just recently taken my first steps with John Carpenter’s Apocalypse Trilogy (which was also inspired by Lovecraft). But with my job being what it is, there has always been one thing missing, and that is, of course, a fantasy toy inspired by the most famous of all his creations: Cthulhu. For the longest time I had my eyes on Uberrime’s version, but size concerns and US shipping prices held me back, until finally it disappeared from their store. Just when I thought all was lost however, I discovered Darque Path and their very own interpretation made right here in Australia!

The Brand

I’ve already spoken a fair bit about how 2021 seems to be the year of the Australian indie fantasy scene in my review of the Faux Phallus Agapanthus. But while they were the first I found back in January, it wasn’t long before they shared with me another maker who was doing something very similar: Darque Path. Based in NSW and run by power couple Manda and Troy, they’re a real dream team with Manda’s background as a qualified Sexologist and Kink Educator and Troy’s past experience creating wax play candles. What’s even more exciting though is the unique theme of their store, as while Faux Phallus specialise in floral and organic designs, Darque Path couldn’t be more different, with their gothic take on gods, folklore and mythical creatures, such as the Leviathan, Hades, Cecaelia, and, of course, Cthulhu. Plus, in the short time they’ve been on my radar (their store is a little older than Faux Phallus however, opening in September 2020) they’ve already evolved so much, releasing countless new silicone designs and creating some stunning colours with their pours. Offering both customs of their products (allowing you to choose the colours, density, and whether it has a hole for Vac-U-Lock attachments / bullet vibrators) as well as occasional drops of pre-made toys, they mostly offer dildos, but have a small range of other items such as butt plugs, cock rings, and candles too. Finally, while they might be based in Australia they do offer international shipping, however if you are a local then you’ll be able to sleep easy with their standard shipping only going as high as $15.50 AUD.

Product Description

As much as I was immediately drawn to the Cthulhu the moment I first laid eyes upon Darque Path’s store, I was still careful to check over the measurements before setting my heart on anything. As with most fantasy stores, Darque Path’s sizes run large, and while this is ideal for most it is something I often struggle with. Luckily though they feature a handy size guide on their website (although this is fairly old and hasn’t been updated with most of their newer products), and through this I was happy to learn that not only is the Cthulhu one of their smaller toys, but it sounded perfect for me! With a total length of just 18cm / 7.1″ and only about 13 – 16cm / 5 – 6.3″ of that being usable, it is quite a short dildo. However the thick shaft certainly makes up for this, with a maximum diameter of 5.7cm / 2.25″! This easily soars past my previous largest toy, the Uberrime Dr. Manhattan, which only had a maximum diameter of 4.7cm / 1.83″, but before you get too worried for me, the widest point is actually located at the base, and so I don’t really expect to use this area. Instead, the actual head of the Cthulhu is only 4.3cm / 1.7″, whilst the main size of the usable area is 3.8cm / 1.5″, and so while this can be a very large toy for those who want to use all of it, for me the majority of its length certainly seemed achievable.

When Darque Path saw me raving about their Cthulhu they were kind enough to not only offer to send one out to me, but gave me the opportunity it customise it as well! At the time this pour of their Empress was my favourite on their site, and as green and black are the colours most commonly associated with Cthulhu I asked if they could do something similar. What I received then absolutely met the brief, with a gorgeous blend of black, light green and dark green, they were even kind enough to make it glow-in-the-dark too. The toy itself is then wonderfully aquatic, with a combination of tentacle-like suckers and raised bumps, alongside a totally alien shape that couldn’t be further from my collection of mostly realistic dildos. More than an interpretation of the Great Old One’s dick however, I like to think it takes inspiration directly from Lovecraft’s 1926 short story The Call of Cthulhu, in which multiple versions of a 7″ religious-like idol are found, made of an unknown “greenish-black stone” and representing “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline” (the fact that one of these figures is then found in Sydney in the story only makes this so much better). With a completely untapered flat head, the back of the toy is then quite smooth, whilst the front features the suckers and the sides focus on various lumps and bulges before finally increasing in size significantly for the last third of the product’s length. Despite this bulbous finish however, which allows for the product to stand upright, there is no actual base and so the Cthulhu is not compatible with harnesses nor would I recommend it be taken anally. As for the silicone used this is then fairly rough to the touch due to prominent printer texture (more on this below), but it is at least quite soft and squishy, which I was super happy with.

Unexpected Issues

You might have already noticed from the photos, but there is an unfortunate downside to the Darque Path Cthulhu, or at least to my copy. Various flaws cover the surface, from prominent circular markings that would have been created by a 3D printer when the master copy was made, to pore-like bubbles and cuts on the surface. Worst of all, there is an extremely visible seam that runs around the toy’s entire length, and it is here that countless tears and holes can be found. This is obviously a huge safety concern, as bacteria can easily hide in any and all of these defects, making cleaning the toy properly after each use almost impossible without fully sterilising it (and even then I’m not sure if this can completely clean it). This meant that upon receiving the Cthulhu I did have to seriously consider whether it was something I wanted to put in my body, and to be completely honest if I had actually spent money on it then I would have wanted to return it. It seems I’m not alone with this train of thought either, as after speaking with the fantasy toy community the general consensus was that an item of this poor quality should not be sold without a serious discount and warning, if at all. Of course, with Darque Path being one of so few Australian makers and still relatively new, I decided to simply share my concerns with them but otherwise continue with the review. Thankfully it does seem they’ve listened, creating new moulds for most of their original products and (sadly) discontinuing the Cthulhu. But unfortunately as a reviewer I can only really comment on what I actually own, and since I haven’t seen any of these newer products myself I cannot vouch for their quality.

Packaging

My order was placed with Darque Path for their Cthulhu on the 1st of February and I promptly received it by the 3rd, which was great. The package didn’t list what was inside but Darque Path was listed as the sender, which might be a concern if privacy matters to you. The packaging for the toy itself was then very large, considering it just contained the Cthulhu and their smaller Thulu butt plug, but this is likely because they use the same box for all orders, including larger ones (I didn’t keep this due to the size of it, but you can see it at my unboxing video). Plus, while larger boxes are typically inconvenient and feel wasteful, this was at least of quite high quality and completely black, making it ideal for reuse. Opening this up I then found the two toys wrapped in plastic wrap, alongside a beautiful black storage bag sized for the Cthulhu, a business card, sticker, care instructions (although the information on this regarding dildos is quite limited, just stating to sterilise them using “your preferred method”), and best of all: candy! Overall, while I do feel like a few things could be improved with this, it was certainly more than I expected from a new indie maker, and was a fantastic first impression.

Glow-In-The-Dark

Considering the otherworldly nature of Cthulhu I was really excited by the potential of this toy’s glow-in-the-dark properties. So far at the blog we’ve seen toys where the entire product glows, as well as those where just a portion of it does, and so I was intrigued by how Darque Path would go about this considering the three pours of silicone involved with this toy. It turns out though that they have just included the glowing pigment in the light green portion of the product, which is arguably the least prominent shade on the Cthulhu. This means that whilst that area glows, the majority of the toy remains completely dark, which creates a wonderful ghostly effect that I just love. Plus, this combined with the brightness of the glow, which has to be one of the best I’ve seen, looks absolutely amazing, and so this is now hands down the coolest looking glow-in-the-dark toy I own.

My Experience

With the combination of its size, untapered head, and medium density, I always knew the Darque Path Cthulhu was going to be a challenge to insert, but it was one that I was more than willing to rise to the occasion for. I quickly found that using the Funkit Toys NoFrillDo R, Tantus Pack ‘n Play No.2 and Tantus Vamp Super Soft to warm up prior to taking the Cthulhu worked perfectly for inserting its initial length, down to where the shaft extends out into the three gill-like bumps. But this seemed to be my natural stopping point, and with only 6cm / 2.4″ of length inserted into me it might as well have been the end of the toy according to my vagina. So with more than half of the toy left to enjoy, which was hardly good enough for me, I resolved to dedicate almost two hours, 10+ orgasms, and six other dildos (the three mentioned above, followed by the Uberrime Spiro Nebula, Uberrime Ripley Alien and Uberrime Dr. Manhattan) to conquering it. Even with that all of that though I only really managed get past the three bumps and cause myself a lot of discomfort in the process… but at least it was something. Still, if a toy needs that much effort to use then it better be bloody good once it’s in, and since I couldn’t even move it, as the distance between the third bump and the following larger bump is barely 1cm / 0.4″, it most definitely was not, and so I haven’t attempted such a feat again.

As a result, I completed most of my testing only being able to insert the first third of the Darque Path Cthulhu, which was quite a disappointment when I was so careful with the measurements. Still, it meant I was at least able to enjoy a good portion of the tentacle-like suckers, which were definitely one of the aspects I was most eager to try. With a sensation as prominent as I had hoped, they do indeed feel amazingly satisfying in use, and pressing them against the front of my vaginal wall is easily one of the best parts of using the Cthulhu. A texture that it less pleasant however, is that of the 3D printing marks and seam, which do create a somewhat scratchy feel inside of me, and so using a thicker lubricant such as Lovehoney Delight has been necessary to try and combat this. Another element that I am not so fond of is the bulbous untapered head, as I find the feeling of it entering me fairly uncomfortable, which puts me off thrusting the toy fully in and out. So considering I already have barely any length to use in the first place, this really isn’t great. Anyway, while the size of the Cthulhu obviously isn’t for me, I do enjoy the fullness it brings, and this combined with the suckers does mean that I can at least enjoy some great orgasms with it when combined with a clitoral vibrator such as the Dame Kip.

Cleaning & Care

Since the Darque Path Cthulhu is fully silicone and waterproof, cleaning it somewhat easy, although extra care is required due to the defects in the material. As usual you can soak it in some hot soapy water before scrubbing it over with a spare toothbrush, putting particular attention to the seam, but to be sure it is fully clean I would recommend sterilising it at least every few uses, and you can do this primarily by boiling it for three minutes. You can then return it to its storage bag or use a zip-lock bag to keep it extra clean. Lastly, make sure to only use water-based lubricants with this product, as others may have negative effects on the silicone.

Final Thoughts

I was so excited when I found out about Darque Path earlier this year that I wanted nothing more than to support their store as best as I could. But as much as I wanted to love the Cthulhu, I’d be a pretty lousy (and biased!) reviewer if I didn’t state the obvious. While I could put the quality issues with this toy down to just how new the brand is, it doesn’t really hold up when you consider that Faux Phallus sent me three flawless products less than a month after opening their store, compared to Darque Path’s almost 6 months. Plus, prior to being discontinued, the Cthulhu was sold at a luxury price tag of $110 AUD, which is more than double the cost of the toy I reviewed from Faux Phallus. So, considering both these facts and how the level of defects is to such a point where it could cause health concerns, it is really unacceptable. Besides, even without all of this, I’ve gotta admit I was quite disappointed by the Cthulhu, as while I was careful to get a toy I thought I could use, in the end only a very small portion of it really fit me, and I just felt like there was too much going on considering its short length. Overall, as excited as I was by this toy, I do believe Darque Path have made the correct decision in discontinuing it, and I do hope that one day, with a bit more refinement, they can eventually become a company I can recommend.

Updates

[26/9/21] Darque Path reached out recently about sending me a new toy to show their quality improvements. They suggested a few of their smaller toys, to which I chose their Upir Maw, and left the rest (colours, density etc) up to them. The product I then received was absolutely beautiful, and showed great improvements to all aspects of their work, from the colour scheme to the design itself. Plus, none of the issues I had with the Cthulhu were present, going a long way to restoring my faith in this brand. In addition, they have also recently released an updated design of their Cthulhu, and while it looks like a significant improvement from the version I received, it still features much of what I loved about the original.

You can get the Cthulhu in its updated design directly from Darque Path for just $115 AUD / $83 USD!

I received this product in exchange for an honest and unbiased review. Affiliate links have been used in this post.

I love being a sex toy reviewer more than anything. But there are some obvious downsides to doing it in Australia. There’s no major manufacturers located here, popular toys aren’t always stocked by local stores, shipping prices from everywhere else are ridiculously high, and in terms of a blogging community… well most of the time it’s just me. There is one thing, however, that has disappointed me most over the years though, and that’s the lack of independent makers. Overseas, but particularly in the USA, there seems to be an abundance of people creating silicone toys from their very own homes and selling them places like Etsy, allowing them to push the limits of what is considered a sex toy by producing imaginative designs in a kaleidoscope of colours that would have never been able to occur within a larger mass-producing company. I could browse these stores all day, and often do, but with shipping typically costing far more than the products themselves, actually making a purchase is sadly not an option for me. It’s because of this that I have spent a good part of the last six years wishing and hoping someone would kick off a similar community here (and making my own plans if I were to ever move to a bigger apartment), and now in 2021 it finally seems my cries have been answered.

Background

I was so excited when Queensland-based company Geeky Sex Toys first opened their virtual doors back in 2016, because I thought it would be the beginning of an Australian indie scene, even though they were a little different from the fantasy makers in the USA. I supported them the best I could, and my efforts technically paid off when they hired me to run their social media and reviewers program in 2018! But as great as that was (and still is!), nothing else changed, and my Etsy searches for “dildo” with the location set to “Australia” continued to look bleak. So in January this year when I was looking for new people to follow at my Instagram, I could hardly believe my eyes when I came across Faux Phallus, an Australian maker that had just launched a gorgeous range of floral toys. Even more surprising is that since then SIX other makers have popped up out of nowhere, and so within the short space of two months this once lonely space has rapidly become a supportive and thriving community! I’m hoping to do a full post here soon talking about all of these makers, but for now keep an eye out on my social media for news about them!

The Brand

I could talk all day about how excited I am for all of this, but today we’re focusing on the one company that started it all, and that’s Faux Phallus. You see, as soon as I found their page I started raving about them on my social media, and they kindly reached out and offered to send me some toys as a thank you. I absolutely didn’t expect this, but accepted nonetheless, and since then we have had some wonderful chats and I have found them to be extremely supportive of other local makers, helping them out where they can and also being the one to introduce me to most of them. A husband and wife team based in Tasmania, they design their unique range of dildos and butt plugs first out of clay, before using these to create the moulds for their silicone pours. This has allowed for them to produce some incredibly unique designs that all have a distinctly hand-made quality, and everything on their website so far feels fresh and unlike anything I’ve seen in this space before. Currently focusing on flowers and plants for their Floral Collection of toys inspired by the local environment, Faux Phallus are also looking towards releasing a Tentacle Collection soon. Offering both pre-made products and customs of their designs (allowing you to select the item’s density, colour and whether it has a suction cup), Faux Phallus also make choosing easy with their Size Chart (perfect for those like me who need to stick with the smaller options), Colour Guide, and Firmness Guide. Plus, they also feature stories for each of their toys, which are perfect for lovers of fantasy role-playing. Finally, while they ship to most countries at a flat-rate of $30, shipping within Australia is express and only $15 flat-rate, or express for free on orders over $100!

Product Description

Faux Phallus kindly sent me three of their toys to try, and today I will be reviewing their Agapanthus. I chose this product as it was the smallest of their dildos, which I find is always a good pick to start with when trying out new makers to ensure you’re getting something that will work for you whilst also giving you a feel for their firmness levels (which is especially important when you have trouble with size like me!). Based off the plant of the same name, and inspired by its beautiful summer floral display, this is also a toy that’s close to my heart, as where I live is absolutely full of these, and I can even see one from my bedroom window now whilst I write this. Since the most common Agapanthus have a light blue to purple hue, this is the colour Faux Phallus have gone with for my version, although you can get it in a range of pre-made colours at their website (including a one-of-a-kind non-binary flag version right now!), or order a custom. A gradient of blue at the top that fades down into purple is present, and a clearer divide between the two can then be seen at the toy’s base. Plus, both tones use a shimmery pigment that allows the toy to have a glitter-like sparkle, while pour marks give off a beautiful marbling effect which is so much nicer than if it was just a flat colour. As for the shape, it’s the head of this toy where all the interest is at, as four large petals wrap around its top to create a flowing feeling that almost reminds me of the spiral Funkit Toys NoFrillDo R. Then, since Faux Phallus mould their original designs from clay, each of the petals feels unique, with some being slightly smaller or larger, rather than just being replicated digitally. The rest of its short shaft is smooth, although it does taper out into a small base, and while it does appear to be completely round it is actually more of a triangular shape. My copy came in Faux Phallus’s recommended firm density, which is 20A shore, and while it is quite firm it’s still softer than I thought it would be, as there is definitely still some squish to it. Finally, this toy measures in at a length of 5.5 inches / 14 cm and has a maximum diameter of 1.4 inches / 3.7 cm, although the shaft is only 1.2 inches / 3.1 cm. In addition I do believe this toy would work with a harness, although the size of the base and the taper that leads up to it leaves me unconvinced that it would be anal safe.

Packaging

My order with Faux Phallus for the Agapanthus was sent on the 19th of January and I promptly received it the very next day, which was impressive even for express shipping! It was then completely discreet, with no mention of the sender or contents of the package. The packaging for the toy itself was very simple, being just a sealed clear bag for each toy, which was totally understandable considering this is a new indie company and more than acceptable in my opinion, and for a full unboxing you can check this out (plus, they have since upgraded their packaging). In addition they also included a handwritten thank you note which was a lovely touch, alongside a small care guide which I love.

My Experience

Even though the Faux Phallus Agapanthus does appear quite small, even for me, the firm density of the silicone mixed with the large untapered head allows for it to feel far larger than it actually is during insertion. This provides quite a filling feeling, and this sensation is only heightened with the addition of the texture. The swirling petals remind me of a much more intense version of the Funkit Toys NoFrillDo R, which is my current favourite smaller dildo, and twisting them in and out of me is a wonderful feeling that I find perfect for the start of sessions. Inserting it deeper then causes all of this texture and size to disappear, as the thinner and smoother shaft slides in, creating a great balance between the two. Now, while I specifically requested this toy because of its small width, one thing that did concern me upon actually seeing it for the first time was its length, which is also quite small. But I have since found that it is in fact that length where the genius of this product lies, because it is the absolute perfect size to allow you to thrust the entire length of the product (from being completely inside of you till the head is just about to exit you) in one easy hand movement. As someone who loves thrusting, but also wanted to enjoy the texture of the head, this has been an absolute godsend, and a fantastic contrast to toys with similar designs where I must choose between full penetration and texture. This paired with a good clitoral vibrator, such as the Dame Kip, is then an immensely pleasurable experience, and I have had some great orgasms with this toy in the short time I’ve had it. Perhaps the only downside to the Agapanthus is that the texture can sometimes be a little overwhelming and give off a bit of a scratchy feeling, which I don’t mind too much but may be a concern if you struggle with texture.

Cleaning & Care

Since the Faux Phallus Agapanthus is silicone and waterproof, cleaning it is easy. Simply wash it in some warm soapy water before rinsing it and leaving it to air dry. Plus, you’ll also want to scrub around the petals with a spare soapy toothbrush, as bacteria may hide here. After this I’d recommend storing it in a zip-lock bag to keep it clean between uses, as it attracts a fair amount of dust. In addition to this I’d also suggest sterilising the toy every few uses or when switching between partners or orifices, and you can do this by boiling it for three minutes. Lastly, make sure to only use water-based lubricants with this product, as others may have negative effects on the silicone.

Final Thoughts

Faux Phallus are without a doubt the newest company I’ve ever worked with. So I really had no idea what to expect from the quality of their toys, as I didn’t know anyone who owned one! Plus, with such low prices, it all felt a bit too good to be true. But instead I’ve been absolutely blown away, as the Agapanthus (and all of the toys they sent) is the sort of product I would expect from a company who has been running for years to have produced, not one sent to me literally 19 days after they opened! Everything about this toy is flawless in regards to its design and manufacturing, and even the way it feels in use comes off as something that has been carefully crafted by someone with far more experience than they have. I am so excited to welcome Faux Phallus to the Australian sex toy community, and if this is what they’re producing less than a month into their existence then I cannot wait to see how things look in a few more months, or even a few years down the track! In the meantime though I would absolutely recommend the Agapanthus to anyone who enjoys smaller dildos, and think it would make a fabulous intro to texture for those who haven’t tried a fantasy-style toy before.

You can get the Agapanthus directly from Faux Phallus for just $40 AUD / $29 USD!

Location: Melbourne
Price: $22 for 20mL or $35 for 80mL

Packaging & Bottle
As the most expensive of the four lubes, I had big expectations for FIGR’s packaging, and was not let down. Simple and refined, both the bottle and box for Fluid are visually pleasing and high-quality. Keeping to their limited brand colour palette of white and orange, the minimalist packaging still manages to include all the information needed, including an ingredients list, whilst the bottle strips back even further to just the brand name, size, and a reference to being formulated with Native Australian Extracts. I have the 20mL version, which does feel quite small, especially compared to its oversized lid, which is larger than the actual glass portion of the bottle. Still, the thick frosted glass creates a stunning effect, and when turned so you cannot see the writing, it almost looks like a bottle of nail polish. On that note, this is very discreet, and also makes for a perfect travel-friendly option.

Ingredients & Consistency
In addition to being 100% vegan and latex friendly, FIGR uses the Native Australian Extracts of Finger Lime and Strawberry Gum in their lubricant. It is also fragrance free and has been formulated with the intention to mimic your own natural lubrication. You can find the full ingredient list here, where FIGR have done an amazing job breaking down the purpose of each element. Following on from its desire to act as an extension of your own fluids, FIGR’s lube has little body and is almost water-like. The thinnest of the lubes here, this means that it runs very quickly and provides little to no barrier when being used for penetration.

Application & Play
FIGR Fluid uses a pump-style nozzle, which is my preferred type as it makes application easy. However, I find myself frequently having trouble getting anything to actually come out, and generally need to pump it quite a few times to get it to work, which can make the lubricant result in a strange bubbly consistency. When it does come out, it also sometimes shoots off into the distance rather than onto what I’m holding under it. Plus, even without any issues, the hole provided is very small, meaning you would need to pump it quite a few times anyway to get an appropriate amount. Once applied though, this lubricant doesn’t clump like most others due to its thin consistency, and instead quickly runs off whatever it’s applied to. Due to this, I’ve found Fluid tricky to use with toys, and instead prefer it during PIV sex, as it does a great job of easing entry whilst blending seamlessly with my own lubrication.

Frenchie Oh La La Love Lube

Location: Sydney
Price: $24 for 100mL

Packaging & Bottle
The box for Frenchie’s lube features their regular beautiful branding which is reminiscent of the French flag, with the colours of white, blue and red flowing across the smooth card. Their logo uses an eye-catching red foil to give it that extra va–va–voom, and all the information you could possibly want is included, from directions to an ingredients list. It is the bottle, however, where I feel Frenchie fall short. Made entirely of an opaque white plastic, nothing about it is pleasing to the eye or sexy in any way, instead reminding me of some kind of medicine bottle. Some information is provided here, including the Frenchie logo on the front and directions on the back, but this isn’t enough to help this typically fun and playful brand recover from what is otherwise quite boring. Plus, as the only bottle here that doesn’t allow you to see the lubricant within, it is hard to tell how much of it is left. The plus side to all this is that it is discreet, although its large size and unusual colour does allow it to stand out on a nightstand.

For the extra fee of $4, Frenchie offer the Love Grip as an attachment for their Oh La La Love Lube. Coming in either red or blue, this silicone band greatly improves the bottle’s appearance by adding a much needed hit of colour. Plus, it adds extra grip, which is ideal for when things start to get slippery. So considering this is the cheapest lubricant on the list (even with the Grip), I think it’s a worthy addition.

Ingredients & Consistency
Frenchie’s Love Lube is made from naturally derived ingredients, with the most prominent of these being Aloe Vera. Australian Natives are also included though in the form of Lemon Aspen, Davidson Plum, Lily Pilly and Tasmanian Mountain Berry. Vegan friendly, fragrance free and latex compatible, Frenchie have also provided a rough PH level of 4.5 – 5.0, and for a full list of ingredients you can check out their website. While on the thinner side, Frenchie have found a good balance with their lubricant still having some body, allowing it to provide a small amount of cushioning when used internally.

Application & Play
Frenchie also uses a pump-style nozzle for their lubricant, and this works very well, with application being smooth and of a good size. While Oh La La is a fairly thin lubricant, is does have a habit of clumping up, which can be good when applied directly to the body. However, when put on toys, such as the head of a dildo, it means these clumps frequently fall right off (as opposed to running or dripping) as they seem unable to properly “stick”. This can be solved by immediately spreading the clumps out over the toy with your finger, but it does make use of this lubricant for toys more difficult than need be.

LBDO Essensual Lube

Location: Melbourne
Price: $29.95 for 100mL

Packaging & Bottle
With one of my favourite brand aesthetics here, I was so glad to see that followed through to the look of LBDO’s Essensual Lube. The box features a range of information, including directions and ingredients, and puts particular attention into highlighting the Australian Native extracts that have been used. While it is visually pleasing however, the use of white writing on light grey card may be difficult to read for some, and even my eyes quickly tire from it. This muted colour scheme does pay off though, as it makes opening the box to its bright orange interior so much more impactful. As for the bottle itself, this is quite simple, with the small amount of text on it briefly mentioning things such as the brand, recycling and size. While I like the way it looks though, I will say that the clear plastic bottle and lid do come off as fairly cheap and unoriginal, as this is not the first product I’ve seen using this design. In addition, it may not be the most discreet, although I do think its size, which values width over height, definitely helps.

Ingredients & Consistency
With a purely organic formula, LBDO puts Aloe Vera front and centre in their Essensual Lube alongside Australian Native’s Kakadu Plum and Quandong. Aiming to be hydrating as well as high in antioxidants Vitamin C and Vitamin E, LBDO is 100% vegan and latex friendly. It also features no fragrance or taste, and you can find a full list of ingredients at their website. As for the consistency, it is slightly thinner than Frenchie’s, but not so much as FIGR’s, allowing it to still have some body.

Application & Play
LBDO is the only lubricant on this list that uses a squeeze-style nozzle, which is a type I am familiar with due to Sliquid. The plastic on the Essensual Lube is harder than what I am accustom to however, and so this can make squeezing it to apply the lube a little taxing on your hands. Still, other than this I haven’t had any issues with it, and I like that I can control the amount and speed it comes out more than with the other bottles. The lubricant itself then clumps up and runs when applied (kind of like a cross between FIGR and Frenchie’s versions), but it does so slow enough that you should be able to manipulate it with your finger before it’s lost. It’s then easy to spread out over toys, and the thinness means that it’s ideal for smaller non-textured options, such as G-Spot Vibrators or Dual-Stimulators.

Lucy Lube

Location: Melbourne
Price: $24 for 70mL

Packaging & Bottle
Out of the four lubricants here, Lucy’s is the only bottle to come without a box (which, in my opinion, is totally reasonable for something that comes in a bottle anyway and much more environmentally-friendly). As you’d imagine, this does mean it has a bit more going on than the others though, with the bottle now needing to list all necessary information, such as ingredients and directions. Despite this, Lucy do a great job of balancing what could have otherwise been a very overwhelming label, and while it does mean the bottle can’t compete with the minimalist discretion of some of the others, it still looks good. The tallest of the lot, despite only containing 70mL, Lucy Lube is contained within a long tube of frosted glass, though most of this is covered with the label that features the brand’s colours of blue, orange and white. A clear plastic cap then sits over the pump, and while it does stand out, the neutral colours go a long way to allowing it to hide in plain sight.

Ingredients & Consistency
While being vegan-friendly, Lucy Lube is the only lubricant on the list that sadly doesn’t include any of our native ingredients here in Australia. Instead, it simply contains Aloe Vera for those seeking something organic, and for a full list check out their website. No fragrances are found in the Lube either, and Lucy have also kindly provided its PH level, which is 4.3. With the thickest consistency here, Lucy Lube is unique in that it rarely runs, however between your fingers it does still feel fairly light.

Application & Play
Lucy Lube uses a pump-style nozzle, and while I don’t have as many issues with it as I did with FIGR’s, I don’t find it as smooth as Frenchie’s either. It uses more effort to press down upon and feels somewhat rigid, and due to this it can sometimes result in the lubricant shooting out straight ahead rather than on what I’m trying to apply it to. Once out though my experience with it has been quite different to the others, as it simply clumps up on whatever it has been applied to and stays, rather than running or falling off. This then gives you the chance to take your time spreading it out, and upon doing so it becomes much thinner. So despite how gel-like it seems as first, Lucy still isn’t the sort of lubricant that would be appropriate for heavily textured toys or anal play, but it does offer more cushioning than LBDO.

The Verdict

Lubricant, perhaps even more so than sex toys, depends on your preference. So my favourite may not be for everyone, as I already know I have a somewhat uncommon predisposition for thicker-style lubricants. What’s more, the type of lubricant you choose can depend on your play, with thinner-styles being good for vaginal sex and those that are more gel-like being preferred for adult products, such as dildos. So rather than just having one winner, I’ve placed the lubes into categories of what I believe they’re each best for, and I hope this combined with the descriptions I’ve provided here will allow you to determine what would suit you best.

The Best For PIV Sex: FIGR Fluid

While the water-like qualities of FIGR’s lube make it difficult to use alongside sex toys, it meant that it could excel when applied directly to the vulva. The aim of Fluid was to “mimic naturally occurring lubrication”, and I feel they have fully met the brief in that regard. Once put on, the lubricant blends seamlessly, and doesn’t leave me feeling overly slippery. My only wish was that the nozzle of my otherwise favourite bottle (in regards to both looks and discretion) worked better.

You can get Fluid directly from FIGR or from my recommended retailer JOUJOU!

The Best Value: Frenchie Oh La La Love Lube

Even with the addition of Frenchie’s Love Grip, their Oh La La Love Lube is by far the cheapest item on this list considering you get a whole 100mL to play around with. Plus, while the bottle was my least favourite visually, I did find it to be the easiest and most satisfying to use. As for the lubricant itself, there wasn’t anything wrong with it, but its tendency to clump and fall off toys made it tricky to use with them. Being fairly thin though, it would absolutely still work for both toy use and sex, it might just require a little more effort, which seems a fair trade for the lower price.

You can get the Oh La La Love Lube directly from Frenchie or from my recommended retailer Lovehoney, plus use my code HONEYX10 to get 10% OFF your total order!

The Best For Vibrators: LBDO Essensual Lube

LBDO’s Essensual Lube was a pretty perfect example of a lubricant. It was thin enough to not create so much of a barrier that any feeling would be lost during play, whilst not being so water-like that it would fall off upon being applied. In fact, for most people I think this would probably be the ideal lube, and if it wasn’t for my love of thicker-styles this would have likely been the best overall. While Lucy Lube took out that spot though, the Essensual Lube is still my pick for many external toys and smaller dildos, as well as vibrators of all types.

You can get the Essensual Lube directly from LBDO!

The Best Overall: Lucy Lube

I gave Lucy Lube a pretty bangin’ review earlier this year, so this was always going to be the one to beat. But as the only product here that is able to actually stay on toys without running off, there was little competition for me. As someone who uses countless sex toys each week, I go through a lot of lubricant, and the easier that is for me to apply (and the less of it that ends up on my bedsheets), the happier I’m going to be. Plus, despite this it still feels quite thin when spread out, so you don’t need to worry about having it take away from whatever you’re using either. Lucy Lube really is that all-rounder that would suit any category I’ve mentioned here, although, as with the others, it’s just not going to be ideal for larger textured toys or anal play.

You can get the Lube directly from Lucy or from my recommended retailer Nikki Darling, plus use my code GRACE5 to get 5% OFF your total order!

Additional products in featured image are the Darque Path Upir Maw, the OSUGA Cuddly Bird, and the JIMMYJANE Afterglow Massage Candle.

I received some of these products in exchange for an honest and unbiased review. Affiliate links have been used in this post.